There are two church playgroups, one where you don’t have to sing about god or pay for your tea, and one where you do (both things). At the second, last week, the Reverend stood up (as he does) at the front, led the singing and did his new thing: talking to the audience with a hand puppet. (It wears a t-shirt which has the letters G, A and P on it. Not a Gap t-shirt, but one which underneath bears the legend, ‘God Answers Prayers’.)
So, if those of you who believe (and those of you who think I’m shooting fish in a barrel) will forgive me, let’s look at the facts here.
His address was based on an alleged list of the most common questions asked on the internet. These were all, of course, ‘Why are we here’ and ‘Is there a god’, rather than ‘where are the dirty pictures at?’ (because, as Trekkie Monster in Avenue Q explains, The Internet is for Porn. If you haven’t seen Avenue Q, I recommend it, not least for another song, Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist.) The only faintly likely question on the list was ‘Do blondes really have more fun?’ (No prizes for guessing who was singled out for laughing at the back.)
A friend turned to me and said “Is this for the children?” – a question the Rev answered himself by remarking “There’s a fight going on behind me.” Two toddlers were, indeed, playing somewhat vociferously. Obviously. The real audience here has an average age of 2 and you are, to employ the technical term, boring the shit out of them.
This strikes me as remarkable because the other church playgroup is so low key – and they claim to be evangelical, yet they’re the ones who seem most traditionally British in their approach to their religion (i.e. embarrassed. This is a nation that can sing Jerusalem in a desultory manner.) Clearly, there are two schools of thought:
- captive audience; talk to them about the big man upstairs
- captive audience; give them tea and space and maybe they’ll come to a service, or some of our gentle Christian goodness will rub off on them.
If you ask me, neither works – and option 1 has the added effect of pissing people off.
What really stands out, though, is that on the slideshow for the words to ‘God Made Me’, the illustration (for the benefit of the kids) is an animated gif of an ape, waving. This is another entry in the Define Irony stakes, clearly. One week, the Rev expounded the theory that god made the five little ducks who went swimming one day, against a backdrop of a primate who may as well carry a sign saying ‘Darwin! Darwin!’
I bought a Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirt last week (off the internet – it does have its legitimate uses), and resolved not to wear it to church playgroups for fear of offending. I’ve since decided on another approach: fuck it. Wear it and explain it in full when anyone asks.
