In that magnificent nonsense, Con Air, Steve Buscemi utters these words while Sweet Home Alabama plays in background, and follows them with “Bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash”.
I have a new definition. The day last week when Son (22 months) got hold of my phone, squeezed it and bashed at the keys at random, what did he do? Call 999? Surf for porn? Send an urgent message to everyone I know to inform them that “rwbkhb lksdnvlhsbahfk b23763874d”? No, he signed me up for football updates.
My best friend, when he reads this, will fall around at the perfect, poetic symmetry of that. (We were at school together, and he knows exactly to what extent I benefited from the sumptuous playing fields we had the privilege of using.) I expressed concern a couple of months back that, should my children develop an interest in sport, I would be an even less able father than I already am. With a brilliant leap of logic, he suggested that I could in fact be a successful parent precisely by being the very opposite of Competitive Dad. If I take it upon myself to teach them the rudiments of football (I can explain the offside rule, if anyone’s interested. I’m not), he suggests “they’ll learn to have no fear of playing against adults, they’ll learn to love the ball… they’ll have it all the time”.
This plan is now underway in the hope that Daughter (5 going on 15) might learn utter contempt for my (many) physical shortcomings. With my own leap of logic, I’ve decided that, if she does, instead of being (as now) violently opposed to all ideas and suggestions associated with her parents, she might eventually conclude that what I think and say are worthier of respect. Frankly, it’s unlikely, but I’ll cling to anything at the moment.
If there’s one sport which I would like to educate them in, though, it’s Sumo. If you want someone truly to understand sport and the sporting impulse – indeed, if you want to Define Sport – you need to show them Sumo. I’m quite serious. All sport is a channelling of the competitive urge. Some are more refined than others, with rules and traditions. Some are… basic. So, cricket is allegedly more civilised than rugby, which is essentially about 15 big, hairy, bellowing men charging at 15 other big, hairy, bellowing men.
Sumo takes both these ideas and distils them down to their purest essence. There are rituals, such as salt-throwing and stamping (not to mention nappy-wearing). There are centuries of tradition. There are esoteric rules and obscure ways of winning. Ultimately, though, it’s about two big fat blokes trying to push each other over. What could be more entertaining than that – especially for a child? If only I could find a channel (which I don’t have to pay for) where they still show it…
I assume you’ve seen A Matter of Size? It’s an Israeli movie about a guy who, discouraged by his inability to slim down, decides to start a sumo club and use his weight to his advantage instead.
The trailer on Youtube.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing that with me. Two minutes of pure joy.
“There are esoteric rules and obscure ways of winning. Ultimately, though, it’s about two big fat blokes trying to push each other over.”
This applies to sumo. This also applies to ‘penalty box incidents’ at my beloved Kenilworth Road, home of Luton Town, the inventors of football.
Hello. Stumbled here from goodness knows where and my eyes lit up when I saw ‘sumo’.
My son loves it (and wrestling and kung fu since going to see it at the cinema) and has us reenact all of them in the living room. It doesn’t help that he’s been on one of those fairground thingumys where you get to dress up in a fat suit and charge at each other.
I thank the lord no one has ever managed to get pictures . . .
Your son is a genius. Does this mean you can now help me with my fantasy football team? And for sumo with crazy effects – you know, for the kids – try: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfDyFucRbw8. And you’re right, I laughed a lot.
Funny post. Con Air is one of my fave guilty pleasures. And both my babies were what we called ‘sumo babies’…large and in charge. In fact I’m contemplating a ‘sumo’ costume (ie nappy) for my toddler for Halloween. You read it here first.
Thanks for swinging by my blog. Many hot daddies out here it seems, and also adding yours to my general list of Hot Blog Titles
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